I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
