He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
