just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
