i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
