Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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