does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Randomize
