Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize