it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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