Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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