i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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