I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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