Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
