Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
