I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Your cock deserves a montage
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
