do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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