But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
