This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize