I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I have so many feelings about this burrito
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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