I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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