How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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