Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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