We got so high we made milksteak
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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