We won't sleep together?
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
