So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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