She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I wish life had little blips of pornography
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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