my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Found the puke drawer
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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