u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
