My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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