I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
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