oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
