when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
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