I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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