A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
