God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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