but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
