Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I just found puke in my bra..
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
