Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
