Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
