Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Randomize