Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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