dude i'm inner monologue high
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
