omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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