I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
