I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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