I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
