Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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