I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
