I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
