I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
