It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
