I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Randomize