The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
