"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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