ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
