He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
