Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
we're so committed to being not committed
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
