first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Randomize
