if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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