Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
