yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Randomize
