I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
