no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
