Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
