He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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