I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
