Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
