The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Randomize