I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
