I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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