last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
