Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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