Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
