no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
