My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
