hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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