I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
